Over my life time, I often look back to see times of great personal growth, and other times of stagnation. This point in my life, is one of those stagnant times. I am going through the motions, but I am not amazing at any one thing, nor terrible at any other. Though I recognize a need for change, I lack the inspiration or means to do so. So I am left to ponder daily on my seemingly frozen state of existence. I am speaking once again of motherhood. Each day we wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, and settle in for a long day of television watching. It is to hot to go outside, and even though we break up the TV watching with reading and playing, it still takes over a major part of our day. I am also pregnant, in the first trimester. I seem to have little ambition. I clean the house at the end of each day and leave the next days mess for the following evening. I attempt a nap when my blood sugar level spikes- usually after lunch and wake up feeling worse than when I laid down. I keep thinking of my wonderful grandmother, our pioneer ancestors, and even my own mother, and wondering what they did at this stage in their life. There seem to be no stories in the journals of laziness or weakness. And they certainly faced more hardship than I, in my air-conditioned, comfortable home. Each day as we settle in to watch a new movie I wonder again.
The other day at an attempt to reach out for help, I called my favorite sister in law, to ask her what I should do, she gave me a few suggestions-ones that seemed highly fruitless for me, and then she assured me that I was doing fine. She said everyone has times like this. I surely can't imagine her acting like I am- and she has an extra child.
Some things that have not been lacking in my life recently are an abundance of spiritual reading material. It seems any where I look or lay I can find an ensign or some scriptures. That has been a true blessing I find myself reading often. Though nothing of great significance has stood out to me. Some thing that has truly blessed me spiritually recently is Toms Gospel Principles class-I think that is what the investigators class is called. I have been truly grateful for the lesson each week. It has left me with things to ponder and I have loved it. I am grateful also for this opportunity to write, my mind seems clearer, at least for a moment. I wonder what season of life this would be considered. It is interesting, to any one looking in at my life at this time, they would probably think I should be the happiest wife in the world. They are right. I am pregnant with a baby I desperately wanted. Tom and I are purchasing our first home this month, and it is a beautiful home. Tom and I have better communication now than we have ever had. Tom has a wonderful job that he loves. We live in a sea of green, it is everywhere, no yellow or dead things like Idaho. I am studying the gospel, and yet something is missing.
I hope and pray that I will reach a new level of understanding.