Friday, August 7, 2015

The Lord Giveth and The Lord Taketh Away BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD

If you want to compare notes on trials and hardships, I would say I have had a pretty stinking rough couple of years.  If you want to compare blessings and understanding, compassion and grace, I would have to say I have had a pretty stinking blessed couple of years.
Newly Weds, What would I tell that me now? Hunker down the Saviors at the Helm

In January of 2013 my world as I knew it with health, job security, insurance, independence, naivety, trust, certainty, goals, dreams, plans, and doe-eyed youth came quickly and painfully crashing down around me.  But like the pioneer stock I come from I tried to go forward with faith, prompting this post.  I remember later having a conversation with my brother in law. (Life obviously hadn't gone quite as lovely as I thought it would)  I commented how lucky I thought the martyrs of the church were.  They could profess their belief in Christ and die for the cause.  He quickly said, "Some are called to die in the name of Christ, but you are called to live in his name."  So there you have it I was stuck with all of the pain and anguish of loss.  I thought.
Four Kids, Great Job, Post Marathon, What would I tell that me now? Trials to come, the Lord will never leave you.

I remember one day when I really couldn't take it anymore and I hit my knees. I didn't know what else to do. I poured out my soul to Father and he showed me something I had been missing.  I had been missing the listening ear of an all compassionate all knowing Father. All of my prayers before had been, "Thanks for all of my blessings help me to be good, Amen"  This prayer looked light, "Oh Father I can't do this anymore, I am inadequate and hopelessly flawed and I am not gonna make it."   He basically told me, none of that matters, but I love you.  I felt such relief.  I had to have similar prayers many more times during that year.
5 kids, No Job, What would I tell that me now?  He loves you Perfectly

Almost a year later we became a little more independent.  We were starting over.  One day we had crazy hit the fan again.  My anxiety started to rise.  I was getting light headed.  I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't know how we would make it.  I couldn't breath.  I was having a panic attack.  I prayed. "Oh Father, I don't know what to do but I can't handle this. We are inadequate and we aren't going to make it on our own"  Nothing changed in my circumstances.  Instantly after that prayer my heart stopped racing, I could see straight, I did not feel sick to my stomach, and I knew the Lord was at the helm captaining my ship.

We moved again.  This time completely on our own two feet.  Real Real life started to sink in.  We had seen the Lord bless us too many times for us to think he was going to abandon us now.  We couldn't be fooled by not enough money in the bank and an unexpected bill come in any more.  We had seen the blessings of tithing too many times!  The Lord's math doesn't work like our math.  2+2 does not equal 4 when the Lord is the mathematician.   We had gone from $110,00 a year to less than $40,000 for our family of 8 and we were making it with the help of the Lord.  We had learned patience.
rental, panic attack, no money, 6 kids,  What would I tell that me now? More to come, through Him you will make it.

Then the heat got turned up again.  I was starting to feel pretty comfortable in our money trials.  Time for a new trial.  I had miscarriages before.  5 of them.  They were all early in the pregnancies (6-8 weeks).  It was a struggle but I knew if I made it past 8 weeks I would be fine.  Until I wasn't.  11 weeks into a pregnancy in February of 2015 I miscarried.  I was devastated.  It took me a little over a month to recover emotionally.  What did the trick?  I was listening to a Christian radio station and I can't remember what they said, but I can remember that it reminded me of a talk I had heard in church.  A woman had experienced a tragic death in her family.  She walked around in pain and anguish (how I felt) receiving comfort from others and the spirit, but never recovering.  Until one day she prayed for healing.  So, that is what I did.  I prayed for Christ to heal me.  He did.  Immediately.  I was whole again.  I could move on.

In April we became pregnant again.  I started spotting in July, but then it stopped.  I woke up on August 5th 2015 it wasn't spotting anymore.  It was a miscarriage.  I was 1 day short of 18 weeks. I prayed, "Oh Father I can't do this again."  A thought went through my head.  "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  I knew it was supposed to bring comfort.  The Lord that I trusted as captain of my ship had taken away.  So I was going to bless his name.  I went forward with faith.  If that's what I am supposed to do, that is what I will do.
Now me, Today, unedited, no makeup raw broken/healed me. With God All Things Are Possible.

Over the last couple days I have thought more about that scripture, A LOT.  The Lord giveth...what?  He gives us opportunities to grow.  He gives us Life.  He gives us Blessings.  He gives us the Atonement.  He gives us Commandments.  He gives us Covenants.  He gives us Eternal Families.  He gives us Grace.  What does the Lord take away?  Not my Baby.  He took away sorrow.  He took away grief.  He took away my sins.  He took away the finality of death.  He took away pain.  BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.  Through God's Grace, through the Atonement of Christ I am alive.  Without Him I am nothing.  With him I am saved, sustained, comforted, carried, blessed.  Yep, blessed. I would have to say I have had a pretty Stinking Blessed couple of years.  


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this message of peace.

Brittany Sprague said...

Oh sweet Erika. I'm comforted that God is meeting you in this place, but my heart aches for you and your family-for you and Tom, your babies here and in eternal glory. Praise God you are feeling healing, I'll be continuing to pray for your heart and body and family. My heart breaks, sweet friend. Praying for continued peace and that he's a comforter when your heart aches.

Love you.

Sunil Kumar Singhal said...