Monday, May 3, 2010

My journey with weight

I have reached the end of the 13 months I gave myself to get in better shape. I have not, however, hit the goal of the marathon. I am happy to report that marathon day is May 22nd. But, this is not the end or the beginning of my journey with weight.
Some of my earliest memories are when I was 4, and I was the happiest little girl ever, because I fit in to 6 slims. I normally wore regulars- and my brother normally wore slims, but I, one time in my life, fit in to slims! I remember being really proud that I had accomplished some feet! How funny that a four year old would think of such things, but I did. Those pants were so uncomfortable, but some how in my mind I was skinnier because they were slims. So I wore them often and quickly out grew them.
I remember hearing my Grandma say that I walked like a little football player. I also remember always comparing my stalky body to my brother, sisters, and cousins thin bodies. I think at this point it was mainly a body type thing, and I just happened to be the only stalky bodied child in my whole town! I see the same thing with Gabriel. His body is stalkier than Seth and Hyrums. His chest is more barelled. And he is not FAT!
As soon as I went to school I was paired with the big kid in my class. I knew at that point that I must be fat too. People would always tease us that we were in love- because we were both fat. Looking back, I realize I was not fat just stalky. But then I thought I must be huge!
Some where in about 2nd grade I remember starting to sneak food. I would eat sweetened condensed milk and frosting. Probably 3 or 4 times a year. I loved that sweet taste in my mouth! When I was 12 I got a job mowing my aunts lawn. She would pay me 5 dollars. I would walk to my grandmas house, and on the way stop at the store and buy m&ms and a Sobe. These were really the only things that I can remember eating more than regular meals provided. In Junior high and high school I struggled with weight. When I learned about eating disabilities ie. anorexia and bulimia I tried them both out- wishing I could look like the bag of bones( the starved girl in the bikini) they showed us to scare us away from these eating habits. However, I did not have the will power for either of these behaviors. So, I resigned myself to being fat. When I was a senior in high school I went to Boise to work in the capitol building. I lived with a family- and paid them $100 a month for rent and food. I never knew what food was ok for me to eat. So, I ended up eating a yogurt, a cheese stick, whatever food was at the page office, and dinner if the family had it. This made it very easy for me to loose weight with all of the running I had to do at the capitol building. For the first time ever I felt confident with my body. I even felt beautiful. My mom made me a beautiful prom dress, and I felt very pretty in it. So, even though I literally had to beg a guy to go to prom with me, and pay for everything for my senior prom, I still felt very happy and pretty.
Then just a year later I was engaged. Something I thought would never happen. My mom again made me a beautiful wedding dress and I looked like a princess. Even though I weighed 70 lbs more than Tom he told me daily how beautiful I was. He would tell me about my eyes, my hair, my lips, and my curves "blush". Eventually I really believed him. I knew no matter what I did or became I was beautiful. This led to 6 years of untaimed weight gain. Totalling 68 lb. Woo. exhausting. Honestly I realized I was gaining weight, but I still felt very beautiful. The only thing I didn't like was pictures of myself. I thought the camera caught a bad angle-honestly! Then I would ask Tom- Do I really look like this? and he would say your beautiful to me. So I thought I was. Last year after I had Enoch I went in for my 6 week check up, and the doctor told me my BMI showed I was morbidly obese. These words effected me. Hearing the word Morbid rocked me and I decided even though I was beautiful it couldn't hurt to get into better shape. This started a 13 month goal. I added up what it would take to train for a 5K a 10K a half marathon and a full marathon. That's how I came up with my 13 month mark. Amazingly enough I was able to stick with the goal right up through August of last year- and I had to take a 4 month brake due to Toms crazy work schedule. Then, January 1st I started scheming again. And now just 14 months later with a 4 month break I am about to hit my fitness goal. Training for the 5K was just as difficult for me as training for the marathon is now.
I have a completely different out look on food now. Food is fuel. If I eat junk I run like junk. If I eat 4 fruits, 4 vegetables, 2 cups of cooked wheat, and about 6 oz of meat, and a couple glasses of milk I run like a well oiled machine. My body feels happy and energetic. If I eat the same amount of calories in junk food. I feel like a couch potato. All I want to do is sleep and eat. This new outlook on food lets me eat a sweet snack here and there, but not for most of my diet! I don't crave it like I used to. I feel free from food just like I used to feel a slave to it. I still every once in a while recognize that I am over eating. But, now it is occasional. This will take much more discipline when I am not burning an extra 3400-3600 calories a week. But I will address that when I come to it.

When I got Married I weighed about 200 lbs. I got up to 268 at my heaviest. Now, 14 months later. I am down to 209. This feels strange! Some times I feel bone(ey). Like when I am laying on my side at night, I used to be able to snuggle in-with all that extra cushion- now I have to actually use extra cushion for that job :) I have not bought new clothes, just because I don't want to spend the money on it, so I am still wearing the same clothes. Which means a size 18.
On Saturday I went to the store with a $100 clothing budget and a goal to buy a dress for Tom and I's fancy vacation we are going to. I tried on the 16's which were to big, and then the 14's, but ended up being most comfortable in the 12. I can't believe I am in a 12. I can't shop at Lane Bryant any more. Nothing fits! When I look in the mirror I can not see a difference. To me I look the same. I feel differently in that I can run a bit faster and my arms don't rub on my sides when I run.
BMI says I will be in a normal weight range when I am at 175. I am just barely into the "overwieght category" on the heavy side. I am probably a little smaller than I was when I got married, because my wedding dress fit again at 220. So- I think my muscle may tone down a bit and I will loose a little bit then. Any way I guess the point of this post is to say I am no longer morbidly obese. I now have a chance at raising my kids. woot woot!
One of the promises in the word of wisdom is that we will be able to run and not be weary. I take Heavenly Father at his word. I know that as I do the things that allow my body to accomplish the plans he has for me- he will help me to accomplish them.


renae nelson kingsley said...

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! Congrats on all the hard work and progress!

ang :o) said...

um wow. i cried through this whole thing. i could have written it. not kidding. from the sneaking frosting to the whole bit. i didn't buy m&m's i bought reeses peanut butter cups. but i'm not brave enough yet to write it for the public so i have a separate private blog. i am so proud of you. you are my hero.

Alex and Marie said...

You are so awesome! And beautiful! Thanks for sharing.

Catherine Cazier said...

Wow thanks so much for shareing this story. I will be honest I have never had a problem with weight until this point in my life. After each baby it has taken me about a year to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight but I only needed to lose about 10 lbs. But #4 is killing me is so many ways. I always gain about 50lbs. but by my 6 week check I only have about 15lbs. I lose 10 of it with in the first year and the last 5 when I stop breast feeding. But this time is totally different. I lost 20lbs with in the first 10 days since x-man was born and now 5 months later I am still carrying 30 extra pounds. It has been so depressing I can't stop eating. Reading your story makes me want to try harder. I know I eat way too much junk hearing that eating healthy might make me feel better gives me some hope. Thanks so much.

Kade and Teann said...

Erika, that takes a strong woman to share what you have just shared. Thank you. I have only ever heard GREAT things from Kade about you, and that's all I've ever seen too! You put your mind to something and you do it!

A marathon seems so incredibly daunting in my mind. WAY TO GO!!! Do you think you'll keep running? I hope so. I've just started this running thing, but the 5K seems to be pretty comfortable. I may go for a 10K down the road, but we'll see. What an example you are to me. Thank you!

Jill said...

Having my morning coffee and reading random blogs by hitting the "next blog" button. I came across your blog. Enloyed reading this post. Congrats

Inspector Clouseau said...

Nice work. I came across your blog while “blog surfing” using the “Next Blog” button in the Nav Bar at the top of my blogspot blog. I occasionally just check out other blogs to see what others are doing.